Lost.

I have lost what mattered the most:

My ability to write.

And I don't know where to turn anymore.

Music

They say that the only way a person can heal their soul is through music. So basically in the eyes of these people, music is like Tylenol for emotional damage. But can music fix everything?

According to dictionary.com , the definition of "music" is...

music - {noun} an art of sound in time that expresses

ideas and emotions through the element of rhythm, melody,

harmony, and color

So we basically get that music is just a bunch of notes that consists of rhythms, melodies, harmonies, and...colors?

Now, the common person would wonder WHAT color has to do with anything when it comes to music. Even though I personally cannot understand it half the time, I have gotten this from all of my music teachers {though not all of them phrased it this way}.

"Music is color because when a composer produces a

piece of music, he not only feels it come from his fingertips,

he sees it dance before his eyes in colors. Like - for example - whenever

you hear Ode to Joy, don't you think oranges and yellows?"

I never did think of these colors when I thought of Ode to Joy, but I would nod so they wouldn't explain. There have been few times when I have seen the color in music, but I suppose to those who care about it passionately - those who use it as medicine for their soul - it does exist.

Now, don't take me the wrong way. I DO care for music...honestly I do. But, there are some things in life that not even music can fix. You see, music is like an outlet; it supplies the energy for a period of time but after an object is taken from the outlet, it dies sooner or later. Music to me is only temporary healing. It helps to distract you, but doesn't make the hurts go away. Music can't get people houses. Music doesn't get people jobs. Music doesn't save peoples lives. It can help people move along, but it can't stop a person from dying. It can't keep a person alive. And only occasionally will it give a person something to be remembered for after death. And besides, anybody can sing a song. Anybody could pick up an instrument and play. But nobody can beat life. Not even with music.

Have you ever listened to the radio and heard a song that describes your life perfectly? And then you go onto iTunes, buy the song and listen to it until the battery on your iPod runs out. But then - after something changes - the song no longer applies. It just gets shoved into the back of your library until the day when you put your iPod on shuffle and you hear it once more and laugh at how you thought that was your life. It's happened to all of us; we are all weak at some point. Which proves my point the the uppermost; music is only temporary therapy.

So if music isn't the medication of the soul, than what is? Is that the point where you go running back to God because life is starting to get hard? Is that the point where you pretend like your sorry and ask God to fix it all? Where you try and make it seem like you've been praying even through the good when really you're just lying to yourself {and not to mention to God}. If music isn't what fixes people, than is religion? I would like to think so.

Regards,

R.A.B

Regrets...

Salvete,

Regrets. We all have them - some harder to deal with than others, but all something that we regret.

According to dictionary.com , the definition of "regret" is "to feel sorrow or remorse for ones actions" in the verb sense. In the noun sense, it is described as "a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.". No matter what it is classified as, "regret" basically means to feel remorse for something you've done.

The funny thing about regrets, though, is that we don't all have to have them. If we could seek out forgiveness - if we could act like the Christians we should be - and if we could be at peace with everyone, we wouldn't have regrets. But, that would have to be in a perfect world - which, I believe I have discussed "perfection". So taking in the fact that we are never going to be perfect (simply because we are human), we are forced to live with our regrets. It's just a simple fact of life...you eventually get used to it.

But there are times when you are trying to get to sleep and then you remember that one person in that one time in that one place that you hurt. Suddenly, you aren't so tired anymore.

There goes that sleep you were looking forward to.

This isn't a blog post about the cure for regret. There is no cure, honestly. You can get forgiveness for it and all, but you never actually forget. Sometimes it all just pops up in your head and than you begin the whole "What-If" road and - at that point - you're so far from ever being able to get anywhere close to cleaning your mind of thoughts.

But where does the regret come from? Obviously it starts with the fact that we do something while we are not in our best judgement. Okay...that's pretty self-explanatory. But why does it hang over us forever? Me speaking personally, I forget what I have for breakfast by the time lunch rolls around. So why do I remember hurting people that I love?

I believe they call it your "guilty conscious". Even the most cocky, self-assured, self-absorbed, and generally shallow of us have this "guilty conscious". It's what keeps us somewhat humbled. The actions that we do to cause this guiltiness is merely what keeps us human. It's all part of the process, you see.

Regrets.

Will people ever understand them? Probably not. Was it worth the attempt to reflect upon them? I think so. Do I make sense? No. Will I ever? Maybe after a few writing courses.

But until then...enjoy my confusing nature.

Regards,

-R.A.B

P.S. - I realize that some of you may be thinking that I contradicted myself in saying that we can't ask for forgiveness and then commenting that "even after asking forgiveness, we never forget". I'm not making a fool out of myself, I might just be making a point.

Thinking yet?

People...

Bonjour(that's Chicago for "hello"...so I've heard),

People. Aggravating, individual, strange, quirky, surprising, caring. Funny thing is, some people can be all these things at once.

There are many types of people out there - the quiet with so much to say, the bold with too little to talk about, the heartbroken with nothing to show, and the perfect with hidden faults. But yet we still pretend we are put together.

News flash - nobody is.

There is a song titled "Perfect People". It most accurately states that "there is no such thing as perfect people". There is not. It is true.

We are all just fakes. Yes, I understand this statement is a little "harsh" but you have to understand - it is true. We can't all be amazingly beautiful and perfect-looking like Jonathon Groff, after all. Regardless, we all have faults. Even Jonathon Groff. But, the thing about human nature is we all take others faults and we do one of two things. We either criticize people for their faults or we embrace them and help the person out with them.

I think we all know which one usually happens.

For instance, my fault is being extremely annoying. I have a strange need to know everything and to share my knowledge to people who (most likely) don't want to hear it. I also have a strange need to be dreadfully shy. Faults, faults, faults. I'm sure I have more.

Until we meet again,

R.A.B

A Quick Thought

Hello Darlings,

I just thought I would share a quick thought that crossed my lovely mind a few hours ago.

How do we define people as normal? What IS normal? How can a person call me abnormal or call me weird if they don't even know what normal is?

If I were to ask you what "normal" meant right now, would you be able to define it?

...

That's what I thought.

So what IS normal? I would sure like to know...

-R.A.B

Perfect

Bonjour my good and few!

Does perfection actually exist? Of course it does not. Nothing in life is perfect - there is always some sort of "catch". Like"Total Eclipse of the Heart" from GLEE would be perfect...if a few of Lea Michele's vowels were better. I would be absolutely perfect...if I actually had the smallest clue of who I really am.

Nothing is perfect, I suppose.

But we all dream of this perfect person; like our equal in life. Mine is a combination of Jonathon Groff and...well, mostly just Jonathon Groff. But, he'll also play guitar, have brown eyes (somebody in the pair has to have blue eyes - I gladly take the job), and he has to sing. Major thing for me. I require singing talents and interest in musicals. Because I need somebody to discuss the flaws in other people (and who will point out mine - no matter how mad I get over the fact). On top of all that...my big thing is somebody that will listen. Not just pretend to listen...really LISTEN. Even if he doesn't look like Jonathon Groff (who COULD look like all that cuteness?) and even if he can't play guitar I just want somebody to listen. He still has to be able to sing. And he has to watch musicals with me. But, it would be nice to have somebody listen for once...

Anyway...I guess now you know what my "perfect guy" is. Don't snicker at me though! You know that secretly deep down, you have a list of standards that you want in a guy. I will never lower my standards - even if it means that I die with only my cats and Spring Awakening soundtrack.

"Perfection" and "Dreams" seem to click right together, do they not? Truthfully, I can say that every dream I've ever had is of me being perfect (and I also dream of purple llamas with DMB shirts attacking me...but that's not relevant). So that MUST make perfection impossible, right?

This post doesn't really make sense, does it? Oh well...that's what I get for blogging to 'Left Behind' from SPRING AWAKENING. Good song - not so good play (message-wise...I still love it).

Merry blogging, living, and reading your way! And good luck with your "perfect" somebody :)

Goodnight my "someone",

-R.A.B

P.S. - Kudos to anybody who knows what "goodnight my someone" is from...

What is this Feeling?

What is this feeling that your heart drop to your stomach? That feeling that nobody else understands you? That you're the only yellow flower in a field of green? That you're the only St. Berry lover out there {Glee reference, by the way}? Ah yes, I believe I do know that feeling.

They call it loneliness.

Isn't it just simply charming how sometimes life is thrown into perspective from a birds-eye glance at your life? It's especially great when you see just how deeply shallow you've been. [Not a oxymoron, a fact]. And then you come spiraling down back to Earth and suddenly you want to make a change. So you become vegetarian. Or you meditate. Or you decide to drink 75% of your body weight in slushies from Sonic. But - no matter how ridiculous, bizarre, or stupid it may be - it is a change that you want to do for the love of your own sanity.

But does that change help? Does associating trouble in your life to meat make you not want the meat anymore? Does connecting the burning of wax to the layers of wrong in your life make you want to burn the candle faster? Or does it make you want that thing - a boy, a friend, a social status, a grade - even more?

The human mind is a most fascinating thing. You take a situation that you know the odds of you getting what you want is a 0. There is simply no question that it will happen, but yet you want it over all possessions that you already have. You would trade anything to have that object because it is exactly what you cannot have. Isn't that just the exact opposite of what we are entitled to be? But yet, this attitude has been going on since the creation of man.

So, what is this feeling? Are we really feeling? Or are we as shallow as the members of Jonas' community {The Giver}?

There are times when I feel like The Receiver and I am staring into a world of color, yet the others around me are looking into black, white, and grey. I feel as if I carry the pain and they just indifferently live. It is because they know no other way. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Regards,

-R.A.B